Like Fear

How can they tell? Can they smell it, like dogs and fear? Is it an innate talent? Or some kind of extrasensory perception that has insinuated itself into their genetic code? Can they see it in your eyes? And, if they can't see you, can they hear it in your tone of voice? Or is it simply luck of the draw? A simple gift of timing?

I'm speaking, of course, of men.

As soon as you've made a decision, and it could be any decision that even tangentally involves them, they seem to know. If you've decided you're done with them. If you've decided you like someone else better. If you've decided you don't like anyone at all. If you've decided that you're not going to shave your legs that day. If you've decided you're not shaving anything that day. If you've decided you're not answering your phone. If you've decided to put on your pajamas at 9 p.m. If you've decided that, rather than going to the bar, you'll hit the treadmill, thereby sweating your ass off for an hour or so and choosing not to shower afterward. If you've decided you need to save money that week. If you've decided you need to call your best friend from high school long-distance in order to discuss Oprah. If you've decided your previous decision was incorrect. If you feel an ounce of regret. If you, like Kelly Taylor, choose yourself.

If any of those things happen? Or if any of a number of other thoughts cross your mind? Thoughts that mean that your interest in that guy diminishes in any way?

It is an absolute guarantee that he will do one of several things, including, but not limited to: a) calling you at inappropriate hours of the day or night; b) texting you inappropriate messages during work engagements; c) show up on your doorstep (intoxication optional) at approximately 3:00 a.m.; or d) sit next to you at the bar and whisper something incredibly suggestive in your ear when no one, or everyone, is looking.

Dammit. How do they know?!