A List, If You Will

I was recently asked by someone what I learned from my prior relationships. And so, a list was born:

That the state of a man's bathroom is a good general indicator of his mental health.
That just because you're dating or have dated doesn't mean you get a break on professional fees. Of any kind.
That I need to be with someone with clean floors.
That men should take care of their feet, too.
That I hate the smell of jerky. All kinds of jerky.
That fooling around in a very small car is rarely a good idea. Especially when there's a sunroof.
Ditto for fooling around in a parking lot. Except for the sunroof thing.
Large county parks are okay, however.
That someone that doesn't know that my phone won't work in Azerbaijan isn't someone I want to be with.
That I also shouldn't be with someone who doesn't know how to operate the vacuum wine sealer, for a number of reasons.
That if I get store-bought roses, he loves me not.
That if I get a hand-picked bouquet, he loves me.
That having doors opened for me, while not mandatory, is preferable.
That having someone walk between me and the street on the sidewalk is impressive.
That I do know how much broth goes into the chicken chili. Dammit.
That he should have a large cd collection, heavy on early 80's new wave.
That he should maybe have a house with, you know, furniture.
That he should be able to drive stick.
That he should not feel the need, ever, to play Neil Young at eardrum-piercing levels at 3 a.m.
Ditto for Terrance Trent D'Arby.
That he should not attempt, ever, to cut firewood in the house.
Or allow any of his friends to do so.
That I am not compatible with people who wake and bake. Unless they are making cookies.
That he should be unafraid to eat at a restaurant that doesn't have a liquor license.
That he should be able to laugh at himself, his job, his friends, his family and me.
That he should not have dated or been intimate with any of my friends within the past year.
Or be dating them currently.
Working knowledge of a car is a good thing, because I will stoop to using feminine wiles to get strangers to change a tire. And have, in the past. Don't test me.
If he has a dog, it should be trained.
If he has a cat, it should have a litter box.
If he has a snake, he should make sure it doesn't escape.
That having similar internal clocks cannot be overrated.
That I'm not nearly as freaked out by guns as I thought I was.
That twitterpation is the best feeling in the world.
That pining away for someone is completely overrated. Except when done by the Smiths.
That you should have an understanding going into the relationship as to who gets what friends at which bar when you break up.
That he should take the bar where there's more cigarette smoke.
That if he gets mean after Jager bombs, he is probably mean at other times, too.
That someone who opens your birthday present to them in their car when you're sitting inside with friends? That guy? Is not the guy you're going to end up with.