D-I-V-O-R-C-E

I've never been married and my parents were never divorced. Therefore, I can only speak to the event as a mostly-disinterested bystander. Kind of like when I say, "I'd never let my child do that," to my friends that have kids? That's always a crowd pleaser.

As a child, divorce was an ever-present factor in life. My best friend's parents got divorced. The union that produced her and her younger brother was the second for both of her parents. She was probably the first person I knew to go through something like that, althought that certainly changed in later years.

Although, now that I'm sitting here, thinking about it? Not really. She was the only person I knew when she was going through it. I knew people later whose parents had gotten divorced a long time ago. And, really? I didn't even know too many of those people. Statistically speaking, fully one-half of the school's population should have come from broken homes. Was it just the people I hung out with whose parents stayed together? Did those families manage to stay together just until after the kids left? Was it where I grew up? Is suburban Ohio really a divorce-free zone? Could be, judging from recent voting records.

I'm getting to the point now where people I know and love are going to start going through this. One of my good friends got divorced a few years ago. I went to his wedding and had the best time I've ever had, considering he and his fiancee were the only two people there I had ever met. I exchanged phone numbers with all of their friends--that's how good of a time I had. I found out he was divorced when I got a Christmas card from him and his new wife.

Maybe "good friends" is stretching it a bit.

His divorce is the only one that I know of. No one from high school. No one from college. Only one from graduate school. However, when I moved to the town in which I now live, and got involved in the profession in which I now work, I met, and continue to meet, people who have already been divorced, are separated, or are in the process of going through a divorce. Or should be. And these people are young. In their early to mid 30's. Many of them hadn't even gotten around to the point of having kids.

Every story is different. Religion. Cheating. Money issues. Cheating. Other family issues. Cheating. Just generally growing apart.

Oh, and did I mention the cheating?

I suppose you can't get to a certain age before all the single people you know are divorced. Because, really? If you've gotten to 34 and haven't been married? What's wrong with you? What is the fatal flaw? Yeah, you've got that broken engagement in your back pocket to explain a couple of years, but, come on. What the hell have you been doing? And I know that, if I'm asking those questions about others, they're certainly asking them about me.

But, anyway, back to the subject.

I've sat through a divorce in court. The party petitioning has to go up and get on the stand and tell the court that the bonds of marriage have been dissolved and that there is not an icecube's chance in hell that there is any way that they'll get back together. I've watched grown men cry on the stand while they're saying these words. I've heard women say them woodenly, trying not to give anything away in their facial expressions, for fear of giving a modicum of satisfaction to their soon-to-be-ex husbands. It is a heartwrenching procedure to watch, almost unendurable in its public display of grief.

And you'd have to grieve. Because you have to get up there and, in a lot of cases, basically lie. Anyone who says that they have no hope that they can't work things out? Unless they've already got someone else on the side? Is lying just a bit, I think. Probably not later, when they've gotten used to the idea. But at that moment, when the marriage is still fresh in their mind, and they're thinking about the good things that happened--the vacations, the late nights, the days snowed in with hot chocolate and popcorn, the time they went on the wine tour, the time the tire blew and they had to spend the night in the car, the Christmases, the Halloweens, the anniversaries, the wedding? Right then? They don't necessarily want it to end.

I know this isn't true in some cases. Some people come to the realization that they shouldn't be married to the person to whom they're married. But there are a lot of other people who do want to be married to the person they married, but who agree to be divorced, for whatever reason. And then? Then they have a choice. They can choose to actually be divorced. Or they can continue to pursue their ex, either mentally or physically. And let that person dictate to them what the rest of their life is going to be like. And they can get back together. Or not. But it isn't ever going to be the same. It isn't ever going to be like it was when it was new.

I know that I wouldn't want a marriage to end. Brilliant statement there, obviously. Who does want a marriage to end? But the actual legal act of ending a marriage would just as difficult, if not more so, than whatever act precipitated the end. I would have an incredibly difficult time getting up in court and telling God and everyone that I had failed at this project. Conceivably, other than child rearing, the most important project in which I'd ever been involved, I failed at. And, further? There's no chance I'll ever fix it. For the girl who had a hard time asking questions in Algebra class because she didn't want people to think she was stupid? For her to go up there and say she did something wrong? Made a mistake? Unthinkable.

Maybe that's my fatal flaw. Because, without the chance of failure, there really isn't any chance of success. And are there really mistakes that can't be fixed in some way, shape or form?