Things I've Never Done

I was on the phone with someone today, talking about funerals. I admitted I'd never been to one. I'm an only child of an only child and a woman who doesn't speak to fully half of her siblings. Or cousins. We're an odd family.

I've been to a viewing. My high school English teacher. Mr. Hollis. His son was a year ahead of me in school and played soccer. I think he had a younger daughter, too. Mr. Hollis taught American Lit. Moby Dick. The Scarlet Letter. The Waste Lands. Sister Carrie. I don't envy him. But he was great at his job. He's the only reason I remember the names of the characters in The Scarlet Letter, because he infused them with such character and vitality. And the names, themselves, were like the characters. Little Pearl. Hester Prynne. Reverend Dimsdale. Or Dimmsdale.

Hey, he didn't teach spelling.

But didn't go to the church service. Nor the planting, so to speak. None of my friends, thank God, have ever died. By the time my grandparents have died, they're so old that no one is much left to attend a service. My Dad didn't want any memorial or ceremony or much of anything, other than donations sent to his favorite charity. He also would've liked UM to beat Ohio State in perpetuity, but we can't have everything.

Then, I was thinking. I haven't done a lot of things.

I've never learned how to ride a bike. Really learn, that is. Did I tell that story yet? If I did, you know it. If I didn't, I'll save it for a rainy day.

I've never learned how to cook a roast. I love roasts. I love comfort food. I have a potato ricer. But I'm only good at side dishes. I'm no good at meat. That's what happens when your parents let you eat peanut butter sandwiches when you don't want to eat whatever they're having. I was ruined at an early age.

I've never learned a foreign language really well. I took four years of French in high school. Idiot. And another 2 semesters in college. Good for absolutely nothing. Haven't even gone to Quebec. But work with Spanish speakers every day. Dumbest mistake of my life. Well, not the dumbest. That's a tie between parachute pants and that one guy. Never get to use French and have forgotten most of it. The only time I ever used it? With a French policeman in Bosnia. Yeah, don't ask.

I've never learned to whistle. My friend can do the finger in the mouth thing. It is so impressive. I can't even put my lips together and blow, as Lauren Bacall would say. I mean, I can, but not to whistle.

Shut up, pervs.

I've never bought a lottery ticket. Which makes all those hours I've spent mentally spending my winnings seem pretty pathetic, in hindsight.

I've never gone to a professional basketball game. Or hockey game. Just football and baseball. I'm not really feeling that particular loss.

I never learned how to play an instrument. I took guitar lessons for two years and could never play a note. My instructor, Desi, looked like Danny Bonaduce with long hair. He scared me. But I learned a shitload of music theory from him that helped tons in later years. Now? I've forgotten it all.

I've never chased anyone through an airport, or down the street, or in a crowded venue of any kind in order to tell them that I love them.

Nor has anyone ever done that for me.

I've never been arrested, questioned about a crime or testified at a trial. I'm going to go knock on wood now.

I've never changed a tire all by myself.

I've never hosted a big dinner party.

I've never been to California.

And, what can I say, I've been to Paradise, but I've never been to me. Heh.