What a Girl Wants
Let us start with a list of those things that I've always told people that I want in a guy:
An adult.
Someone who is responsible.
Honesty.
A good cook.
Funny.
Employed.
Clean. Like their house. Personal hygiene also considered.
Not a functional alcoholic. Or, not an alcoholic, much less a functional one.
Trustworthy.
Somewhat intellectual.
Non-drug-using.
Has hobbies, or is involved in something outside of their job, or some kind of outside interests.
Not clingy or overbearing or overprotective or generally annoying.
Fun.
Now the experiment:
I compiled a list of guys. These are all guys that I have known over the past ten years. At least from the second semester of my second year in graduate school until the present day. They span from guys that I had long-term relationships with to guys that I went on one or two dates with. Or guys with whom I had more than a fliratious relationship. I won't describe what constitutes a "more than flirtatious relationship", since my mother may read this and I want to keep things PG-13. Hi, Mom.
Without going through my journals, which have faithfully recorded the stats of all men with whom I've been the least bit infatuated over the past ten years, I came up with a list of 20 guys. This list was drawn up during the several hours I spent sitting at Discount Tire getting new tires put on in expectation of snow, so there has been no confirmation or investigation done into the completeness of this list.
No, I'm not going to list them all. Perverts.
What I'm going to do is run a comparative study of the list against my previous list of those things which I claim to be looking for in a man and see how, over the past ten years, I've done.
Early bets indicate not well.
1) An adult. Well, they were all within a few years of me, age-wise. And I was over 21 at the time, so...yeah. But, honestly, looking at the list, it is hard to quantify. The most adult of all of them were the guys that I just went on one or two dates with. And I am probably making that judgment because I never got to know them well enough to realize that they, too, were idiots.
2) Someone responsible. Two of the twenty had children, which indicates a certain level of responsibility, since they weren't in jail for non-payment of child support at the time I was with them. However, the fact that at least four of these yahoos drove Jeep Wranglers (and one a wanna-be Jeep) and only about three of them actually owned their own homes seems to indicate a certain...joie de vivre that isn't necessarily present in someone who is looking out for their 401(k). Actually, that's a better measure. Probably 7 have 401(k)s, one has two houses, one owns his own business, and five have criminal records. Excellent.
3) Honesty. Not a good catagory for me. One sent roses when he was cheating on me. One left town while on probation and a bench warrant is likely still out for him. One disappeared completely. One I only see when he's hitting on women in bars. One said he was taking care of tsunami victims when he went to rehab (long after our tryst was complete, thank God). One dumped me after dating another woman for two months on the sly. How many were honest? Subjectively? Nine. Better than I thought.
4) Good cook. Good odds here. I've dated a lot of guys from the service industry. Three chefs. Five more that I can qualify as having cooked for me and I enjoyed it. The food, too, not just the manual labor. I'm willing to give a couple others the benefit of the doubt. Although there was the one guy whose refrigerator only held various types of beverages and a package of baloney. That, my friends, is suspicious.
5) Funny. I can't think of one of these guys that I didn't think was funny at times. Or, more importantly, that didn't think I was funny. Wait, there was one. Well, two. Okay, five. Still, fifteen is pretty good.
6) Employed. They were all employed or in school, which is close enough, really. Well, the one kept quitting various jobs. And the other one was in business for himself and wasn't making money. But is that the same as unemployed?
7) Clean. The only one who had the appearance of poor personal hygiene was the wake-and-baker who dyed his hair green so he didn't have to work the Sunday brunch omlette station. But I know he actually was.
Homes are another matter. I'm convinced that my last boyfriend and I broke up at least partially because I refused to ever go to his house. The floors freaked me out--I could never walk around barefoot. And his bathroom? I cannot explain the horror to you.
Then there was the guy who only got furniture his friends were getting rid of. Or the one who lived in a basement in Maryland, which is a scary experience in and of itself.
There were a couple of clean ones. The renter with white carpet. And the other renter with white carpet. And the guy whose roommate's girlfriend would clean.
That, my friends, is where I draw the line.
8) Alcohol use. One guy wanted the Ravenswood logo as a tattoo. Others, I've never actually seen anywhere outside of a bar or my house. Out of the 20, who do I think didn't have alcohol issues? Well, the wake and baker. The one I ran out of town. The cop. No, not that one. No, not that one, either. Heh. The law student. And the other law student. The freak. The divorced guy. And the architect. Eight without issues. More than I thought, really.
9) Trustworthy. I'd call all of them if I had a flat tire. Ones I thought didn't have other women on their speed dial? Six. And two of those proved me wrong. And two that I didn't know enough to judge.
10) Intellectual, somewhat. One started me reading Kinky Friedman. One was...well, an architect. Or something. One read alternative history. One idolized James Madison. One played a lot of Minesweeper on his computer. Not a ringing endorsement of this list.
11) Non-drug using. I should preface this by saying that I do not smoke, snort, inject or otherwise use drugs. Hi again, Mom. Who didn't, or wasn't, while I was with them? Probably eleven. Remember--wake and bake.
12) Hobbies. Most of them didn't, which I find really strange. You have to have something to take your mind off stuff. Art. Do-it-yourself projects. Motorcycles. Skydiving. I'm going to say that, in many cases, I didn't get to know them enough to tell you what their hobbies were. Other than beer drinking and watching Big Ten football, which is more like a religion than a hobby and, therefore, doesn't count. But, what I know? Four of them were involved in something major outside of their jobs. And I've golfed with a couple of them. But I usually ended up crying on the 15th hole, so that might not count.
13) Not clingy, or otherwise generally assholish. I had one guy who used to stalk me, to the extent that he crashed his roommate's car in a river while driving to my house, drunk. But he's outside the ten-year window, so he doesn't count. One guy was a total ass. The rest were pretty cool. This is probably because they were busy hitting on my best friend behind my back. So they didn't really care what I was doing.
14) Fun. They were all a good time. I had fun with all of them. At least I didn't waste time hanging out with people that made me miserable. At least, not until we'd been together for a year or so...
Other fun factoids about the list:
Most common name: Mike, I think.
Car: Jeeps. Damn, I am a sucker.
Common jobs: Food/alcohol service and legal/justice.
Most common arrest: Drunk driving.
And there's only one who's name I can't remember. He's the one that brought flowers to our first date. What the hell does that say about me?
An adult.
Someone who is responsible.
Honesty.
A good cook.
Funny.
Employed.
Clean. Like their house. Personal hygiene also considered.
Not a functional alcoholic. Or, not an alcoholic, much less a functional one.
Trustworthy.
Somewhat intellectual.
Non-drug-using.
Has hobbies, or is involved in something outside of their job, or some kind of outside interests.
Not clingy or overbearing or overprotective or generally annoying.
Fun.
Now the experiment:
I compiled a list of guys. These are all guys that I have known over the past ten years. At least from the second semester of my second year in graduate school until the present day. They span from guys that I had long-term relationships with to guys that I went on one or two dates with. Or guys with whom I had more than a fliratious relationship. I won't describe what constitutes a "more than flirtatious relationship", since my mother may read this and I want to keep things PG-13. Hi, Mom.
Without going through my journals, which have faithfully recorded the stats of all men with whom I've been the least bit infatuated over the past ten years, I came up with a list of 20 guys. This list was drawn up during the several hours I spent sitting at Discount Tire getting new tires put on in expectation of snow, so there has been no confirmation or investigation done into the completeness of this list.
No, I'm not going to list them all. Perverts.
What I'm going to do is run a comparative study of the list against my previous list of those things which I claim to be looking for in a man and see how, over the past ten years, I've done.
Early bets indicate not well.
1) An adult. Well, they were all within a few years of me, age-wise. And I was over 21 at the time, so...yeah. But, honestly, looking at the list, it is hard to quantify. The most adult of all of them were the guys that I just went on one or two dates with. And I am probably making that judgment because I never got to know them well enough to realize that they, too, were idiots.
2) Someone responsible. Two of the twenty had children, which indicates a certain level of responsibility, since they weren't in jail for non-payment of child support at the time I was with them. However, the fact that at least four of these yahoos drove Jeep Wranglers (and one a wanna-be Jeep) and only about three of them actually owned their own homes seems to indicate a certain...joie de vivre that isn't necessarily present in someone who is looking out for their 401(k). Actually, that's a better measure. Probably 7 have 401(k)s, one has two houses, one owns his own business, and five have criminal records. Excellent.
3) Honesty. Not a good catagory for me. One sent roses when he was cheating on me. One left town while on probation and a bench warrant is likely still out for him. One disappeared completely. One I only see when he's hitting on women in bars. One said he was taking care of tsunami victims when he went to rehab (long after our tryst was complete, thank God). One dumped me after dating another woman for two months on the sly. How many were honest? Subjectively? Nine. Better than I thought.
4) Good cook. Good odds here. I've dated a lot of guys from the service industry. Three chefs. Five more that I can qualify as having cooked for me and I enjoyed it. The food, too, not just the manual labor. I'm willing to give a couple others the benefit of the doubt. Although there was the one guy whose refrigerator only held various types of beverages and a package of baloney. That, my friends, is suspicious.
5) Funny. I can't think of one of these guys that I didn't think was funny at times. Or, more importantly, that didn't think I was funny. Wait, there was one. Well, two. Okay, five. Still, fifteen is pretty good.
6) Employed. They were all employed or in school, which is close enough, really. Well, the one kept quitting various jobs. And the other one was in business for himself and wasn't making money. But is that the same as unemployed?
7) Clean. The only one who had the appearance of poor personal hygiene was the wake-and-baker who dyed his hair green so he didn't have to work the Sunday brunch omlette station. But I know he actually was.
Homes are another matter. I'm convinced that my last boyfriend and I broke up at least partially because I refused to ever go to his house. The floors freaked me out--I could never walk around barefoot. And his bathroom? I cannot explain the horror to you.
Then there was the guy who only got furniture his friends were getting rid of. Or the one who lived in a basement in Maryland, which is a scary experience in and of itself.
There were a couple of clean ones. The renter with white carpet. And the other renter with white carpet. And the guy whose roommate's girlfriend would clean.
That, my friends, is where I draw the line.
8) Alcohol use. One guy wanted the Ravenswood logo as a tattoo. Others, I've never actually seen anywhere outside of a bar or my house. Out of the 20, who do I think didn't have alcohol issues? Well, the wake and baker. The one I ran out of town. The cop. No, not that one. No, not that one, either. Heh. The law student. And the other law student. The freak. The divorced guy. And the architect. Eight without issues. More than I thought, really.
9) Trustworthy. I'd call all of them if I had a flat tire. Ones I thought didn't have other women on their speed dial? Six. And two of those proved me wrong. And two that I didn't know enough to judge.
10) Intellectual, somewhat. One started me reading Kinky Friedman. One was...well, an architect. Or something. One read alternative history. One idolized James Madison. One played a lot of Minesweeper on his computer. Not a ringing endorsement of this list.
11) Non-drug using. I should preface this by saying that I do not smoke, snort, inject or otherwise use drugs. Hi again, Mom. Who didn't, or wasn't, while I was with them? Probably eleven. Remember--wake and bake.
12) Hobbies. Most of them didn't, which I find really strange. You have to have something to take your mind off stuff. Art. Do-it-yourself projects. Motorcycles. Skydiving. I'm going to say that, in many cases, I didn't get to know them enough to tell you what their hobbies were. Other than beer drinking and watching Big Ten football, which is more like a religion than a hobby and, therefore, doesn't count. But, what I know? Four of them were involved in something major outside of their jobs. And I've golfed with a couple of them. But I usually ended up crying on the 15th hole, so that might not count.
13) Not clingy, or otherwise generally assholish. I had one guy who used to stalk me, to the extent that he crashed his roommate's car in a river while driving to my house, drunk. But he's outside the ten-year window, so he doesn't count. One guy was a total ass. The rest were pretty cool. This is probably because they were busy hitting on my best friend behind my back. So they didn't really care what I was doing.
14) Fun. They were all a good time. I had fun with all of them. At least I didn't waste time hanging out with people that made me miserable. At least, not until we'd been together for a year or so...
Other fun factoids about the list:
Most common name: Mike, I think.
Car: Jeeps. Damn, I am a sucker.
Common jobs: Food/alcohol service and legal/justice.
Most common arrest: Drunk driving.
And there's only one who's name I can't remember. He's the one that brought flowers to our first date. What the hell does that say about me?
posted by Miss Head at
1:32 PM
2 Comments:
What's wrong with Jeeps?
By
effenheimer, at 7:11 PM
Absolutely nothing is wrong with Jeeps. The problem is that I am weirdly attracted to men who drive Jeeps (Wranglers, to be specific) and they mostly tend to be...overgrown fraternity guys. Not all, by any means. But many.
By
Miss Head, at 8:13 AM
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