Reality-Based Internet Dating

An old friend of mine called the other night to catch up on happenings. She is one of my last unmarried friends. We were both in school for a long time, then working up the ladder at our respective careers. And we both date inappropriate, emotionally unavailable men. So we've got that going for us.

She tells me that she just signed up for an on-line dating service. My friends have been after me to do this, too. The reasons are to numerous to count. "You won't find a future husband in a bar." "Don't you want to have kids?" "Your eggs are getting old and dried up." "Aren't you sick of inappropriate, emotionally unavailable men?" I keep explaining that I don't really like people that I meet in daily life and I don't understand why meeting people over the internet would be any different, except that I would know right away whether or not they could spell. Or use punctuation correctly.

My friend goes on to tell me about the lengthy personality test they give you before you sign up. Turns out, you don't even have to post it to the dating site--you can just see what it has to say about you. Since I like personality tests like other people like horoscopes, I poured a glass of wine and hopped right on the site to take the test.

Turns out, I'm exactly middle of the road in every aspect of my personality. Of course, who could fail to be when answering the types of questions they ask. "Do you like to create romance in a relationship?" "Do you enjoy recreational activities outside of the home?" "Is physical attraction important to you?" Well, duh!

I've decided we need a more reality-based internet dating system. One that asks real questions. The ones we really want to know the answers to before we start dating someone. So far, I've come up with the following:

Have you ever been convicted of a felony?
Have you ever been charged with a felony?
Have you ever spent time in jail?
Have you ever been convicted of, investigated for or accused of stalking?
Do you have a current drivers license? If not, why?
How frequently do you drink?
How frequently do you drink and drive?
Are you a mean drunk or a cheerful drunk?
How do Jagerbombs effect your judgment?
Are you "technically" a virgin? If so, why?
Your profile indicates you identify yourself as a Christian/Muslim/Whatever. How frequently do you attend services?
What do you think is the role of women in the home?
Do you want kids?
Do you have kids?
Do you even like kids?
Do you care if I like your kids?
Ever been married?
Are you still married?
Have you ever lied about the state of your marriage to get someone into bed/into your car/into your pants?
If you are divorced, when did you file?
In what state?
What court?
When's your next hearing date?
Who is your attorney?
Do you smoke?
If yes, how frequently?
Also, if yes, what?
When was the last time you mopped the floor in your house?
When was the last time anyone mopped the floor in your house?
How frequently do you clean your bathroom?
When you clean it, what do you do?
How frequently do you get a new shower curtain?
How much mold is too much?
What is your position on pedicures for men?
When it comes to "personal grooming", do you prefer porn star or au natural?
Choose: Sandra Bullock or Pamela Anderson.
Choose: VW or Honda.
Choose: Big Ten or SEC.
Choose: Football or basketball--college only.
Choose: Hamburger or wings.
Choose: Tastes great or less filling.
If you were cheating on your significant other, which would you do: Buy the significant other flowers to divert her attention; Act like an asshole so she dumps you; or Invite the new girl over for a three way.
Have you ever been involved in a three-way?
If so, what was the man-to-woman ratio?
What's the dumbest thing you've done while drunk?
What medications are you currently taking?
Do you have anything incurable?

I haven't figured out how to incorporate this into a site that actually pairs people up, but I figure it is a great starting point for anyone I might be interested in. Feel free to cut and paste...