The Other White Meat

I've been involved in a number of disturbing discussions in the past. I like to hang out with guys with some frequency and, as a result, have frequently been confronted with disturbing questions. Sometimes they're related to my gender. Sometimes not. Sometimes they're related to me personally. Sometimes not. But they're always entertaining, even on the most primitive level. And I've discovered that it is often a test of character to be able to answer them without incriminating myself or getting into fist fights.

There's the ever popular, "Do you shave? And, if so, how much?" This isn't a question about my legs, dearheart. Oh no. They're going right for the Promised Land. So to speak. Maybe not so much promised as hinted at. Anyway. The correct answer? "Do you?" Or better, "How about your wife?" Or, "My friend uses stencils."

Then there's, "Where's the most bizarre place you ever __________?" That'd be in the butt, Bob. Kidding. I do usually answer this honestly. In a piece of construction equipment. Then I tell people about my friend who had sex in the elevator of the parking ramp in which I used to park for work. Never leaned up against the windows again after hearing that one.

"Where do you want to retire?" I find this question disturbing because I cannot imagine working for thirty more years. Then I start to cry.

"How do you know about my wife's shaving habits?" Usually answered by the fact that we've had this same discussion seven times before and you're drunk. Every. Single. Time.

"If you died alone in your apartment, would it be more likely that your face gets eaten off by your cat or your dog, assuming you have either one." I'm firmly in the dog camp, although internet research seems to indicate that the dog might be more likely to start at the feet. I find that the answers are directly related to how the responder feels about cats and/or dogs.

"Why didn't we ever hook up?" This question has no good answer. If you tell the truth, they're going to hate you. If you tell a lie, it'd better be a good one. Like, "I never thought you liked me." Or, "I promised your ex-girlfriend I wouldn't." Or, "Because I had a rash."

"How much money would I make if I worked in your office?" Never, ever answer this question. Prevaricate. Lie. Whatever. They're really trying to find out how much you make, but are asking in a shady, sketchy way. Like when people ask what church you go to. Wait. They don't do that where you live?

"Is human flesh red meat or white meat, like pork?" Is pork really white meat? It isn't like chicken. And it isn't like steak. What is human flesh like? When cooked, I mean. Can somone answer this for me? It haunts me.