WWJD

Lying in bed last night, thinking about religion. Thinking about how I'm not religious, but that I try (for the most part) to live a moral life, a life where I treat people the way I want to be treated. And thinking about religious people who don't, particularly. For example:

1) The guy with the Jesus fish on his big frickin' F250 who knowingly drove in the left lane after seeing the "Lane Closure Ahead" sign, then wilfully cut in front of me with his big goddamn truck with his Jesus fish all up in my face. Would Jesus drive like that? I don't think Jesus would drive like an asshole. Jesus would drive like a nice old lady who manages to keep a reasonable speed. Jesus would let people turn into traffic. Jesus would use his turn signal. Of course, Jesus probably wouldn't swear at the Mexican guy in the office parking lot who ignored the stop sign at the top of the driveway and tried to run me over when I came back from picking up lunch today. Little fucker. The Mexican guy, I mean. Not Jesus.

2) Those old bastards who go to church and then immediately go out to lunch, brunch, breakfast, dinner, or whatever meal they're eating that doesn't involve the sacrifice of babies and/or goats. Because those bastards? They all want booths. All of them. And they don't want to sit in the sun, so you'd better be able to pull the blinds. And they sure as hell don't want to wait for a table, despite the fact that they show up to the same damned place every damned Sunday and know what a nightmare it is to get a table. Jesus would take whatever table came up first, even if it was in the smoking section.

And they tip for shit. Jesus was a good tipper. You know how I know that? Because he waited tables, bringing all those fishes and loaves and whatnot. And all waiters become good tippers.

3) Those people who wear the WWJD bracelets. Because those people? They aren't really wearing those to remind themselves to ask themselves what Jesus would actually do. They're wearing them because they want everyone to know what good Christians they are. What model citizens they are. What wonderful human beings and gifts to humanity they are. They probably don't like Jews. Or Muslims. Or Hindus. Or atheists. Or Catholics, really. They wear them so they can identify each other in crowds as being righteous. As being part of the tribe. No, not that tribe. A figurative tribe. They wear them to make other people seem outside. Seem small. Seem unimportant in some way. And honestly? If you have to wear a frickin' bracelet to remind yourself what Jesus would do, how Jesus would treat others, how Jesus would react to certain situations? Then you're already beyond hope anyway.

Jesus? He'd probably be wearing a "Live Strong" bracelet. Or a kabbalah string. 'Cause he's hip like that.