Word Problems

I never did particularly well with word problems on tests. My issue with them has more to do with patience that actual reading comprehension. I was great with reading comprehension. But I want to read the crap and answer the question based on my memory, not on figuring stuff out about trains or why A has more pennies in their pocket than C based on the price of milk.

I remember taking a test for graduate school. The word problems in those tests are ridiculous. I suppose they want to test your ability to think logically. Or else use the results to determine how easy it will be for them to erase every speck of imagination from your brain and turn you into a mindless, unthinking drone who will drink whatever Kool-Aid is set before you. I believe that Jim Jones helped draft the LSAT while a student at IU.

There was one question that I vividly remember. It had to do with a large round table and 8 to 10 people sitting around it. Each of them had different relationships with each other. Some could sit next to each other, others could not. It was like an advanced version of "planning your wedding" when everyone is divorced and you don't just have to figure out who sits at what table but the place card settings also.

I am faced with a similar situation almost every Wednesday, when I go down to my local watering hole. There is a group of people that I hang out with that I've met through work and we meet after work for a few beers. As most of the people aren't married (or at least tell people that they aren't), there have been a fair share of hook-ups, break-ups and general screw-ups in the bunch. So, as a result, every Wednesday poses its very own word problem:

A: Young woman, divorced, used to date B, likes to stir the pot.
B: Older man, divorced, used to date A, still unhealthily attached to her.
C: Young woman, student, hooked up with D, now thinks he's bananas.
D: Man, marriage status unknown, has at least hooked up with C and likely others, probably is bananas.
E: Older man, never married, gets grabby when he drinks too much, usually drinks too much.
F: Young man, unmarried student, always the last to leave.
G: Young woman, unmarried and unemployed, obsessed with F.
H: Man, married with three kids, an actual nice guy.
I: Man, divorced, hooks up with J on occasion as well as unnamed others.
J: Young woman, divorced, only slightly bananas.
K: Me.

So, A and B can never sit next to each other. C and D can never sit together. G wants to sit next to F. J will always sit between I and any other female. K cannot sit next to E. A and C will probably want to sit next to each other to talk about K. D always has to sit next at least one female. H can sit next to anyone.

If I could figure out a way to make this seating arrangement work, I might be nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. As it stands, the night usually ends with someone leaving in a huff. Someone else is texting somebody sitting across the table about how much they: a) want them; b) hate them; c) hate them because they want them; or d) apologizing for catty remarks. Someone will usually pull a chair up somewhere they aren't wanted. And if somebody doesn't quit touching the back of my neck, they're going to draw back a bloody stump.

It is a good thing this whole situation involves beer.