Crabs

Only 8:14 a.m. and I'm already crabby.

Get up and put on my new dress. New, cute, fun, trendy dress. With the tie around the middle that ties in back? That is made out of satin. Can you tell where this is going? The tie keeps untying or sagging and it is driving me batshit crazy. I do not tolerate imperfection in clothing. I once pulled over on the New Jersey Turnpike when I spilled Diet Coke on a white t-shirt while driving from DC to Vermont. I won't make it through the day.

Ripped a stocking at home. Put a new one on.

Go to get a bagel. Sweet! No one's in line. But there's that woman lurking by the free samples, stuffing her face with peanut butter banana bagel bites. As soon as I walk in, she does a little hop-jump up to the register and proceeds to order two dozen various bagels and spreads. Pig. I wait 15 minutes for one bagel.

Get to work. Tie my tie again. As I'm bent over, I note I've got another run. Proceed to rummage through my secretary's desk for 10 minutes, looking for clear nail polish to fix this until lunch, when I can run to the mall to buy new stockings.

I go into the fridge to put my lunch in and find that someone cut the point off of the wedge of cheesecake I brought into work for everyone to share. Obviously a man's handiwork. Who cuts the friggin' point off a wedge of anything?! Cut a goddamn slice, bitch!

Thank God there were no messages on my voice mail. I might just have had to take a vacation day.

ETA: For those of you wondering about our friend from the pole, she showed up at the bar wearing black patent leather spiked-heel boots (with little buckles), no stockings, a denim micro mini and a denim jacket. Plus, a fist-sized bruise on her thigh. I don't know if I'm more offended by the boots or the fact that the denim pieces were of two different colored denims. The horror! She was much commented-upon.