Wandering

I'm feeling really distracted these days. I don't really know why. Like I need to make some decisions in my life. Where I'm going. What I'm doing. For how long. Where I'm going to do the things I'm going to do. Whether I can be happy doing what I'm doing.

I have a hard time concentrating on any one thing for any period of time. When I'm on the phone with friends, I'm thinking of a million things I should be doing. I wake up in the middle of the night and make lists of things I need to do when I wake up. And, when I wake up, I'm too busy to do them.

My friend's mom copes with this by thinking of current stars, then matching them with old, possibly dead, celebrities that they'll look like in the future. Britney Spears=Judy Garland. Zac Efron=Tony Curtis. That brings her inner peace.

Instead, I distract myself with thoughts of what I could be doing, rather than what I should be doing. I think of moving to the desert. Opening a bakery. Sleeping under the stars in a black, black sky. Watching sunsets and sunrises with religious intensity. Actually going outside for longer than it takes to get from my office door to my car between the months of November and May. Watching flowers open and close with the sun.

I distract myself with thoughts of people I knew. Things of done. Places I've gone. I think of the night I kissed that boy in the middle of the street. The one who wanted me to stay, even though I couldn't. I think about what would have happened if I'd been a little bit braver, a little more sure of myself, a little less nice.

I need to stop distracting myself. I need to either live this life or make a new one.