Cross Road Blues

I used to do things ahead of schedule. I used to get papers done days before they were due, so I would have enough time to proofread them, review them, move sections around and polish the entire thing. I used to pack several days before a trip. I used to set out my clothes the night before, checking to make certain I had hose with no snags. I used to make lunch for school the night before.

I don't do those things anymore. A paper is done the day it is due, frequently overnighted to wherever it needs to go. I run to the grocery store across the street, in order to buy some L'eggs for the office. Lunch is a cup 'o soup from my drawer. Packing is done the day I leave town.

While the long, slow slide into procrastination has taken place in my actions, I admit that I've always been a procrastinator when it comes to decision-making. I suppose I'm usually of the "if you wait long enough, you won't have to make a decision" school of thought. If I was worried about telling my father about the ding in his car, and I waited long enough, I probably wasn't going to have to tell him. If I didn't have a good idea of what to do after college, something would come up. If I really didn't want to be dating that guy much, if I waited long enough, that would probably take care of itself, too.

I'm trying to motivate myself to do better. I'm approaching a crossroad in my life--slowly but surely I can see the yellow sign approaching as I crest the hill. Tom Hanks is standing there, still trying to figure out which road to take, after getting back from his desert island. I don't plan to wait there that long.

But, in order to make those decisions, take those actions that need taking, I need to be a bit more courageous. I've been a bit of a chicken about life over...well, for much of my life. I rarely take stands when it comes to...well, when it comes to doing the best for myself and for others personally. I've sat back and let things happen, rather than making things happen. And that needs to stop. Even if the things I make happen aren't the things I want to happen.

So I need to get a little courage. I need to be able to let go of the rope when it swings out over the pond. I need to take my foot off the clutch and hit the gas. I need to look into myself and 'fess up to the things that need to be admitted...and then admit them to others.

Time to pick a direction.