The One in the Middle had Horns

I almost hit a deer last night.

There were three of them, traipsing through the business park that runs alongside my neighborhood. I usually scream through there at night, taking the turns too close with the windows rolled down, feeding my dreams of race car driving stardom.

Fact: I saw a special on the fastest truck driver in the world on "That's Incredible" as a kid and, when I found out she was a woman whose handle was "Yo-yo"? My career path was decided. Luckily, I outgrew the 70's.

Anyway, three deer stood smack dab in the middle of the road, looking at me like, well, frankly? They were like deer in the headlights.

I've hit a deer before. It was on the Pennsylvania Turnpike, east of Pittsburg somewhere. A pack of deer--are they packs? No, herds. A herd of deer were in the highway, running along. Traffic was passing them at about 30 mph. One zigged when they should have zagged and bounced right off the hood of my skateboard of a CRX. Scared the shit out of me. I drove to the next exit, which happened to be a rest stop, so I could call my parents and tell them I had a bloody dent in the hood of my car and may have just killed Bambi. I think I shook the entire drive to Ohio.

I slowed down and turned down "Girlfriend" by Matthew Sweet so I wouldn't scare them into running into my path.

"What the heck are you guys doing?" I whispered loudly in their direction.

"Just out for a stroll," they seemed to say with their eyes. "Why are you out so late?"

"None of your business, nosy."

"Don't mind us, we're just heading over to the dumpster at Burger King across the street."

"Hey," I yelled at their retreating white flag tails. "Don't cross that street! You'll get creamed."

They ignored me, tipping off into the darkness.

I drove slowly home, windows rolled down, radio off, just in case. No more Bambi killing for me.