I'll Be Your Freakazoid

I know I've been super lame lately, what with the lack of posts. I can claim to have been incredibly busy and all, but that isn't quite true. I just haven't been struck with the bug, to tell the truth. I've got some stories percolating: roller derby, karakoke, the ketchup guy. I'll get them out. Soon. But sometimes they need to germinate. Need a little dark earth and some rain and some direct sunlight to sprout.

You know, before the moles eat the damn things. Bastards.

I will, however, relate a rather disturbing story I heard last night.

I was getting my hair done. The girl who does my hair has been doing it...geez, for about ten years now. I went to her when she was in beauty school. She and I waited tables together right after I finished school. I've seen her go from falling-down-drunk to a mother of three. Not that those conditions are mutually exclusive. In fact, I think one encourages the other. Anyway.

I'm sitting there with my hair in foils and another woman comes in to get a haircut. Her son goes to school with my friend's son.

First, she claims not to know Reese Witherspoon is married. Lady, don't lie. I'm a trained and licensed professional. I went to school for nineteen years, plus kindergarten. And preschool. Don't act like you're all better than me because I like E! and read Us Weekly.

Then she claims that she has loved Julia Roberts "ever since I was a little girl." Okay. I seem to remember that Pretty Woman came out when I was in high school. So get over yourself, sweetheart. I'm not that much older than you.

When she leaves, I ask my friend her deal. We dish for a while. Then, I hear this:

She just weaned her child. Her youngest. Who is. Four. Years. Old.

I find that completely disturbing. Like Child Protective Services disturbing. Like he's going to remember that shit when he's fooling around with some girl in high school or college. "Gee, just like with Mom." He's gonna tell his wife about that some day. And she isn't going to want to hear about it. Creepy ass shit, right there.